MI6 rejected me. Their loss

So it's the end of another year and I find myself raking over my achievements and non-achievements of 2007. It's the non-achievements which rather stick out this year, particularly when I hear on Radio 1 that MI6 is on a desperate recruitment drive.

This past year I applied to be an operative. I spent days filling out the most complex online forms in living memory: Have you

been abroad in the past five years? Er, yuh, only to Afghanistan, Morocco, Mombasa and the Palestinian camps in Beirut. Do you feel the need to boast to family and friends about your achievements? Uh, no, it's like, totally none of their business etc.

What makes you think that you'd be suited to the job? Like, whenever I'm in places like, uh, Afghanistan, Morocco, Mombasa, Lebanon (and it's not like I was even PAID to go to these troubled spots) I have the natives crawling all over me,

I spent a month awaiting my call- up, imagining I was tailed in Waitrose