Dogs: licky, loyal and fun

Why wouldn't I want a dog? They're fun, they're loyal and they're licky - which are the credentials I look for in any new friend or housemate. Or hairdresser come to that.

Plus, I need somewhere to channel my paternal instincts. The baby is five months old now and can basically look after herself. She rolls on her tummy, grabs her own feet, speaks a rudimentary form of English and is able to place random objects in her mouth without assistance.

What does she need me for? It's best I forget about that little helpless cherub I once knew and move on. So, I went to the Battersea Dogs Home website and started browsing eager-looking canines as if they were Russian mail-order brides. But, convincing the home I was a suitable owner wasn't so simple.

Each of the dog's descriptions had some form of caveat that disqualified me from adopting it. "Lola is energetic and playful but only suitable for families with 1,000-acre gardens" said one. What's wrong with letting it out the front to do its business by the road twice a day?

All I want is a dog
I can play football with and train to bark at Chelsea fans