Then there are the schizo ones: "Mr Ruffles is a kindly, gentle dog who has been mistreated by previous owners," they say. "Confronted by a child under the age of 18 he will attack the face and throat."

All I want is a little dog that I can play football with in the park and train to bark at Chelsea fans. Is that too much to ask? You'd have thought there'd be loads of discarded Christmas present pets hanging around the park at this time of year, but no. I'm thinking of making a pretend mutt out of some carpet and a bag of sugar until a real one presents itself.