which I've shambolically fleeted across the screen on the more obscure digital channels. "Well, how many times exactly?" she asked.

How to answer? No one besides my own mother is likely to have seen me more than twice on TV. But maybe to this insurance company that's enough to earn TV personality status? I told her I'd get back to them in writing. She probably took this as evidence of guilt - the filthy guilt of a TV personality masquerading as an ordinary person. Why are they worried anyway? Do they think I might accidentally run over the Blue Peter dog? Or crash while giving Simon Cowell a backie to Tescos? Maybe celebrities just can't get motor insurance. That's why they go everywhere by chauffeured helicopter.