My coffee chain shame

I don't like the bloke in that Italian cafe," said Mrs Newish Man. "He's rude and grumpy and he looks unclean."

She'd just listed the three main characteristics that link almost all of my mates. I thought I'd go and make friends with the poor sod.

"Mmmm, good cup of coffee that!" I beamed, after he'd flogged me a cappuccino. He harrumphed at me in Italian (an altogether more poetic brand of

harrumph). I could see why people like my wife might take against him. He was miserable and unshaven and looked like Fungus the Bogeyman.

"This is the best coffee for miles!" he insisted. "But the people round here prefer Caffe Nero. They know nothing."

"Pah! They might as well stay at home and make themselves a Nescafe!" I scoffed, trying to pretend that I knew what the hell he was on about. Perhaps this fella could be my new mentor! I thought to