Don’t football fans have enough pain in their lives?

It’s the same every time. Normally, I’m not fussed about football, apart from when Becks gets his shirt off. Then I’m quite interested. But at World Cup time, I come over all patriotic and start to care. There’s the shirts-off thing, and the legs thing, and the fact that they’re so sweetly serious about it all. And when I start to care, it starts to hurt. How do proper fans do it - all that agony, ecstacy and inevitable disappointment? It must be like dating 11 bastards all at once, except without the sex. Illustration by Joy Gosney.

SHE’S GOTTA HAVE IT