My cat’s stalking me

My family has an unhappy history when it comes to cats. There was the time Auntie Ella impaled a kitten on her stiletto heel. Then there was the cat my Italian relatives took on holiday to Sardinia who went mad, terrorised the resort and was consequently shot dead by a local farmer as my young cousins looked on in tears.

And once, when I was a kid, we took in a lodger whose cat unexpectedly flooded the house

with kittens. One night, my brother walked in on him drowning them in a bucket in our front room. He was using a broom to hold them down, the nutter.

But despite all of this, I can safely say that my current cat, Nelson, is by far the most troublesome I have ever encountered. The trouble is, he doesn't realise he's a cat - he thinks he's my gay lover or something. He's clingy and possessive.

He follows me into the toilet