Behind ‘Cool Cornwall’ lies paradise lost

That annoyingly self-effacing bloke married to the self-absorbed former single mum who manage to match the progression of their love life to various telecommunications products in BT's current TV advertising campaign has 'run off to Cornwall to start on his dream job'.

For centuries Cornwall has been the temptress of the British Isles. Lost souls searching for 'an idyllic rural lifestyle' are only too welcome to part with their cash for a mould-ridden cottage in an overcrowded seaside village which soon becomes a nightmarish prison of damp-induced arthritis and beach attacks by the posh yobs of Rock and Polzeath.

Cornwall is essentially a deprived post-industrial backwater with some nice bits that are generally over-crowded, impossible to park in, and utterly hostile to incomers. It is sold to incomers with the 'icons' of the Eden project and Jamie Oliver's Fifteen

restaurant and an 'inspirational' coastline. Lured by a fanfare of cliches - 'knowledge economy, life-work balance, great place to bring up the kids...' and the propaganda of countless regeneration quangos that impose their policies on the long-suffering colonised Cornish, the immigration and emigration patterns of Cornwall are like those of a fairground ghost train ride. Starry-eyed city dwellers climb aboard only to emerge from the experience mentally, physically and financially spent. Disappointed, disenchanted, they are consoled only by the fact that their fellow adventurers will suffer exactly the same fate.

It is easy to see why BT's marketing department has seized on Cornwall's supposed 'knowledge economy'. Chuck a few WiFi spots around and suddenly this little Celtic nation is the land of sun, sea and laptops populated by eco-geeks with half-built barn conversions and micro renewable energy businesses.

So now we are plagued with episodic BT ads featuring 'Cool Cornwall' as the backdrop to the japes of this trendily dysfunctional family, drawing parallels with the