Warm glow in Westminster as the world melts down

This week's crush is the Parliament Channel, a station devised to reassure that despite the impending hyper-inflation, unemployment, destitution, and foreclosure pandemic the daily business of Government maintains its air of a prize-giving at a secondary modern. The other night I got home after dragging a gas bottle up the Edgware Road to find someone in the Commons "warmly thanking you all and looking forward to further engaging with other honourable members of the House as we look to take this bill forwards". Good. Can of coke. Lamb chop under the grill.

Almost immediately we were patched over to another debate concerning the regeneration of Southend, a project of epic proportions involving the relocation of a driving-test centre to Basildon. "Can I start by thanking both honourable members for their kind and warm words at the beginning of their remarks on this debate, and pay tribute to the very tone in which they put their case for their town," said the member for Southend West. "And may I warmly congratulate the member for Southend West for securing this debate in the first place!" bowed the Member for Southend. "He really does have a formidable reputation!"

This was clearly the kind of prize-giving where absolutely nobody goes home empty handed. At a school that tends towards cancelling sports day entirely because it's too upsetting for those unable to run the 100 metres in under half an hour. (Crossed, I fancy, with the scene in Les Liaisons Dangereuse in which Keanu Reeves becomes confused about who has subtly dishonoured whom and challenges the wrong man to a duel.) "And I want to, once again, thank all those who have given assistance thus far," reassured Southend West, really jazzed up now, "because although we certainly do need a great deal of assistance in Essex that isn't in any sense to be churlish in not thanking everyone who has helped already..."

Like all good drugs, several hours of this can ruin a person for the real world completely. But then, in the real world Farming Today wakes me warning of a disease decimating the lungs of Scottish sheep thus threatening the future of the haggis, and puts me to bed with ITN's political editor Tom Bradby considering the headlines and saying "when you've got a problem, you have to hit it with a big enough stick to make sure it gets killed".

Whereas the Parliament Channel frequently transports the viewer to nothing less than the Oscars! Only last night I flicked over to find someone paying tribute to Barclaycard's record of charitable giving followed swiftly by Lady Royal doing a whole BAFTA Fellowship rap about the former leader of the House. "I would like to congratulate Cathy Ashton warmly on her handling of the European amendments bill," said Royal, her face rooster-comb-red with feeling. "And can I say that I am deeply honoured and humbled to have worked with her." Applause. "I have a very warm and high regard for this house." Applause. "This house has a very special place in my heart." Applause. "In fact, I love the House of Lords." Wild, Sean-Penn-on-stage-head-bowed-in-deeply-solemn-humility-while-he-recieves-a-standing-ovation-applause. "Thank you. Thank you." Martini. Chop under the grill.

PS 'Credit crunch.' Now was there ever a phrase more deliberately designed to sound like the name of a stall at the school fete? How it minimises fear! So chirpily alliterative!