Charles can’t have his say and his seven boiled eggs

If Prince Charles wants to be political, he should stand for election by the people who so dearly want to hear his views

LAST UPDATED 8:50 AM, NOVEMBER 18, 2008

Apparently 49 per cent of the Great British Public believe that the Prince of Wales should on assuming the throne have 'a voice on current political controversies'.

Those polled by YouGov must be republicans: every last man and woman of them, because should Chuckie get what he wants - and he does tend to - then that brand-leader among un-elected heads of state, the British monarchy, will have about as much luxury goods cachet left as a dirty strip of Burberry plaid wound round the festering neck of a Lagos slum dweller.

The Queen may be many things - including an emotionally frugal parent - but a fool isn't one of them. She's always understood that it would be business madness for the Firm to devalue its products - pomp, circumstance, the rarefied and spumescent iconography of nationalism - by trading on the political bourse. However, poor old Number One Son (and 'old' is now definitely the operative word here), has always had a schiz' attitude to the Forbidden City he was born in.

Believe it or not I have some sympathy for Chuckie – look at the parents!

On the one hand he likes his seven gradations of soft-boiled egg waiting for him when he gets back from the hunt, but on the other he wishes it to be known that he is the sincerest friend to the poor. Chuckie can't shake the helicoptering, jetting, gas-guzzling manner of getting about to which he was raised - yet he still wants to be the warming planet's biggest pal.

Yes, that ever so 'umble defender of all the faiths sees no contradiction with hanging on to the established church while mucking about with the Act of Settlement to suit whatever marital set-up pleases him. Believe it or not, I have some sympathy for Chuckie - look at the parents!

I remember only too well seeing his pale face bent to the sward when he was 'invested' at Caernarfon Castle in 1969 - even at the age of eight I understood intuitively that this was the British Royalty's equivalent of foot binding. Ever since, the Prince has been trying to unwrap his tootsies - whether by hanging out with that old fraud Laurens van der Post, or smoking his own bacon. Sometimes it seems that if Number One

Son had his way the Forbidden City would be offering char siu pork to all comers.

If Chuckie wants a public voice, he should abdicate and stand for election

The trouble is that unlike other aristos who fancy themselves as politically inspired do-gooders - Peter Mond, aka 'Lord Melchett', springs to mind - Chuckie won't take the silver spoon out of his mouth, let alone put his money there. Peter Mond, by contrast, has headed up Greenpeace, sat as a Labour peer only to call for the abolition of the Lords, cycles to work, disdains the use of his title - and so on.

If, as Chuckie has said through his mouthpiece Jonathan Dimbleby, he wishes - like Irish presidents Mary McAleese and Mary Robinson - to have a public say on matters affecting the nation, then he should abdicate forthwith and like the two Marys stand for direct election by the people who so clearly long to hear his views.

I bet he won't, though - because then he couldn't have it all. I dunno, you would've thought a weekly audience with the prime minister of the day, plus meetings of the Privy Council, would be enough political influence for any not-terribly-bright sexagenarian toff, but it seems that Freud had it right, and not being loved enough as a child will turbo-charge a man unto the grave.

Personally, I hope the Prince does have it all and shoots his mouth off like a machine gun - it'll be his own unbound feet he'll be hitting, and as he keels over, so will the monarchy.

LAST UPDATED 8:50 AM, NOVEMBER 18, 2008

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The tone of scorned school girl spoiled what might have been an intelligent essay on why/why not the Prince should express his opinions on current affairs. I would very much like to hear the opinion of someone who doesn't have to please the voters. One of the crocks of modern time is this so called 'freedom of speech' our politicians claim to possess. Let us be honest, politicians say what will get them elected whether they believe it or not. No 'Green' politician is going to get the vote of big business. No one living in squalor will vote for one who betrays his contempt. The Prince has nothing to lose except his dignity.

Posted by suzann Dodd at 3:15pm on November 18, 2008

What a bizarre article! Suzann Dodd is right about the 'scorned school girl' tone; Will Self seems to have taken the childish name-calling route instead of penning an arguement compelling in it's own right. The whole thing is reminiscent of a playground squabble; the attacks are all personal against Charles, his parents, or his upbringing - almost no mention of what he has achieved, or the merits (or otherwise) of anything specific Charles may have said or done. If there's a reason why Will Self feels so threatened and jealous, I think we should be told. No doubt it won't have anything at all to do with the fact that Will Self is no more elected than Prince Charles, and therefore has no greater (or lesser) right to spout their views than him or me.

Posted by Charles Ashburner at 12:38pm on November 19, 2008

It's not what you do, it's the way that you do it. Simply attending parliament and taking a seat to observe important debates would create a focus on their content. If he can sit through all the speeches some of the information must sink in and he will demonstrate that he is capable of listening. Maybe if he was encouraged to take a dispassionate interest those esteemed Lords would take note of their audience and raise the quality of their contributions too (how many of them currently treat the honour bestowed by their peerage as membership to a dining club?) - and for this he doesn't even need to open his mouth!

Posted by thomaskust at 7:56am on November 25, 2008

If there's a reason why Charles Ashburner feels so threatened and jealous, I think we should be told. What is it about Will Self he doesn't like? Of course the attacks are personal, he's writing about Charles, not a theoretical piece on the monarchy. And as for what Charles has achieved, well, not starting from scratch like most of the rest of us, but instead starting with everything, he's so far achieved: loss of popularity of the monarchy generally; a very high priced organic food business, two children who both want nothing more than to kill for fun - pheasants, endangered raptors, Iraqis - and who think dressing up as Nazis is cool [well they are German after all]. So what HAS he achieved exactly?

Posted by Peter Simmons at 3:22pm on November 25, 2008

It is unusual for me to agree wholeheartedly with Will S. Two points: 1. not-terribly-bright is too understated, even in a British context. The bogger is loopy-loo. 2. 49%? you missed to point out 50% are of below average intelligence, and average ain't bright! Writing this a few months after the original article I can add Chucky-the-Chump has become even loopier. He's going down like a rocket propelled big dipper car.

Posted by TomNightingale at 3:39pm on June 30, 2009