which you must pass. They usually say, "Well I'm just going to do something very natural, very light and young, very nude", and then come at you with a trowel. But because my slot was relatively late in the morning the make-up girls would have time to try things out on me, shaking glitter onto my decolletage, sticking fun little disco hearts on my cheek bones, teasing my hair into Escher-like complexities so I would go on air looking really bloody weird. But it's a girl's world, GMTV. Running itself via the very feminine principle of the permanent apologetic tizzy. The make-up girls seemed like the only people in the building who hadn't left the iron on.)

Then this morning Martin fronted the Christmas cash clinic. "This is the Christmas cash clinic by the way!" says Fiona standing in a cupboard with three women in satin blouses from the Citizens Advice Bureau speaking keenly into phones under a little poster on the wall covered in sparkles saying CASH.

I’m telling you, the man looks properly worried about your kitchen

"It's Christmas and we know a lot of you are worried about how you're going to cope, but Martin, hopefully, is going to... well... are you going to shine some light on the whole affair?"

Martin looks calm. Shine a light baby. "My aim is to help people survive and thrive through Christmas," he confirms, and Fiona visibly blooms.

"We've had calls here about repossession, Martin! And redundancy, and what's going on with MFI!"

Martin turns to the camera, taking control utterly. "If you paid by credit card then that's safe under the section 75 credit protection that I'm always talking about…."

"So, no kitchen for Christmas?" says Fiona, upset. Martin looks hurt too, I'm telling you the man looks properly worried about you not getting your kitchen because of the thieving MFI meltdown bastards.

"If you're buying big gifts for Christmas over a hundred quid do it on a credit card and PLEASE pay it off in full so there is no interest PLEASE." He presses his index finger and thumb together like a conductor reaching the end of symphony and congratulating the first violins. The whole country pulls up the duvet and reaches for a Jaffa cake.

In America they have a guy called Jim Cramer on CNBC with a show called MAD MONEY, and he comes on, raging and alive, even the hair on his arms raised to an electric fuzz, and yells: "Call the credit card company and say 'I am in a jam and I need a break and I need to stretch out the terms'. Listen up people - you need to stop being poor to get rich! And they will listen! CALL THEM. TELL THEM. I will make that call for you! We can change everything RIGHT HERE."

But I still prefer Martin.