Some reasons why the Brit Awards are so uncool

• The pandering to the public vote is completely uncool. Who gives a fuck what the public thinks? It may well afford the recipient the opportunity to get up and say with absolute ease "this award means more to me than anything…". but the hyper-enfranchising of the public is the worst thing in modern life. "Send your tweets in now", "be a part of the debate", "get phoning", "it's your turn to get involved" - the ultimate in dread expressions. The sheer anxiety on the Brits website to reassure us that the awards are not just voted for by 'industry insiders'! Whenever the reach of an award is enlarged to involve you the people, they carry on as though it's the Magna Carta. You, The real members of the public! Yes you too can vote. (But only for Girls Aloud and Elbow.)

• The revoltingly statistic-laden voice-overs they play when the winners walk to the stage. "Elbow have had an impressive year, taking 80 per cent of the profit in the second quarter of the marketing sector! Great to see them getting the recognition they deserve!" We are all professionals now, you see.

Thank god for Take That, who arrived in a spaceship wearing all-in-one suits• What's with this pretence that the Brits are a really surly evening and therefore not safe to broadcast live? It's been a long time since Brandon Black wandered drunk onto the stage after having been misinformed by his friends that he'd won something, or when the singer in Chumbawamba threw iced water in John Prescott's face and refused to apologise ("If he wants to think he looks trendy he can think again.") That's not to say the Brits have ever been cool. This is the ceremony that made up an entire category (Best Selling Live Act) just so that Steps could win after they were upset at having been beaten by Belle and Sebastian. Nothing exciting ever happens at the Brits. The whole ceremony feels like pretending – and everybody knows it. Just like the Baftas feel like pretending, really.

(The only exciting thing to happen at the Baftas ever was when Ross Kemp won for his Gangs series a couple of years ago. Ross Kemp – our very own Rocky. The greatest grafter comeback since Travolta. But apart from that - put it like this: have you ever been inside the Bafta building on Piccadilly? It's like a decommissioned cruise liner. Spilled sugar on the canteen tables and people not laughing too hard for fear of a 'leakage'. No wonder Brangelina didn't hang around for dinner.)

• Thank god for Take That, who came down in a spaceship wearing black all-in-one trouser suits a la Kraftwerk and oblong