McBride, Draper and the politics of smear

Anyone who follows politics will not have been surprised by the latest end-of-the-pier show mud slinging at Westminster

FIRST POSTED APRIL 14, 2009

The emails were "inappropriate and juvenile", while the sending of them is among "such actions (that) have no place in public life". So Gordon Brown grovels, like a wounded Cyclops, goaded out of his No 10 cave by those brave Argonauts, the Tories. Meanwhile, the media is falling over itself to huff and puff – yet I don't think I've ever heard so many commentators and politicians being so surprised by so predictable a happening.

I don't believe anyone who takes any interest in British politics can have been remotely shocked by the antics of Damian McBride and Derek 'Dolly' Draper – the latter may now be a qualified psychotherapist, but clearly this transference was only ever psyche-deep; for underneath his conscious pose as a principled pundit, there lurk the instincts of an immature – yes, the PM had it right – anorak.

Politics attracts people like McBride in the same way excrement attracts fliesMcBride is another of the same genus: the obsessively politicking nerd, willing to go to any lengths in order to advance his party, much as a rougher lad will crack the opposing football team's supporters' heads, in the erroneous belief that this adds lustre to his own side. I first saw these types smearing their opponents, rigging ballots and briefing journalists, when their candidate was up for election as blackboard monitor at primary school. There's something about politics – and elections in particular – that seem to attract them the way excrement does flies.

Granted, there's a difference between planting a story about an opponent you know to be true, and fabricating one altogether – but it's only a matter of degree, when it comes to these dark artists, with their merde-splattered fingertips. Which is a fancy way of saying: it doesn't take much imagination to turn a leak into a smear. Of course, back in the good old days, when the governing class really was a cosy little club, everything remained water-tight. If an MP was caught wearing women's underwear/with an STV/having extra-marital sex, the chances were that his Chief Whip could lash the newspaper editor into line.

Then came the Thatcher Years, and the Age of Revelation. With a deeply rived country the gloves came off, and any muck might be thrown at anyone – so long as it stuck. The paradox of New Labour – one among a myriad – is that while it softened its ideological position until it became mush, it hardened its electioneering until its tactics became as tough as those of a communist apparatchik: leaking, outing and leaning were the preferred methods of the late – and highly unlamented – Alistair Campbell, while his oppo' at the Treasury, Charlie Whelan, specialised in reeling hacks in, then writhing around them until they fainted in his coils. To dub these men 'spin doctors' does a disservice to the medical profession – these were 24-hour emergency spin plumbers.

The political class is an end-of-the-pier act that's haemorrhaging popularity

It was all pretty unsavoury stuff, whether directed at the other parties, or the enemy within – but nothing smelt quite as bad as the 'dodgy dossier' and the death of Dr David Kelly; frankly, with not so ancient skeletons like these still rattling in Labour's cupboard, the McBride/Draper smears really are mere juvenilia. But while Labour was refining its dirty tricks, the Tories – and even the Lib Dems – were getting just as grubby. It was Labour this time, but I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if it'd been either of the other main parties whose 'advisers' had been caught concocting such lies.

The politicians may try and dissociate themselves from the activities of their forked-tongues-for-hire, but the truth is that they're hopelessly entwined. The political class in this country is an end-of-the-pier act that's haemorrhaging popularity. Hell, the audience that is the British electorate are virtually leaping over the balustrades to get away from their duff speechifying and pullulating policymaking. Is it any wonder that under such circumstances the Government's scriptwriters resort to such fantastical inventions? Cross-dressing, the pox, dildos, these are the plot devices of a Jacobean tragedy – or the stuff of a contemporary reality TV show. And you can take one thing on complete trust: we're going to see a hell of a lot more of them before the next election is over – if, that is, we can be bothered to look.

FIRST POSTED APRIL 14, 2009

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"like a wounded Cyclops, goaded out of his No 10 cave by those brave Argonauts" The Argonauts got the golden fleece, Odysseus' men blinded the Cyclops.

Posted by Rik Chew at 12:01pm on April 15, 2009

Agree with Will entirely, who could possibly be surprised that Brown indulges in smearing lies, it's what he was up to while Blair was in power, it's what makes him tick. His attempt to distance himself from his chief attack dog and 'best buddy' dirt-digger/inventor is pathetic, but then we're used to pathetic, gurning Brown with his out of control facial muscles pretending to be a world statesman - in your dreams Gordon The Plank. But Will, when did you decide smelt was the past tense of smell? The word you wanted is smelled; smelt is either a small cold-water silvery fish [noun], or to extract metals by heating [verb].

Posted by Peter Simmons at 12:04pm on April 15, 2009

One of the problems with all this is the weight that the media give such stories. It seems that they give them the same weight as, say, Jade Goody, G20 summits, North Korean satellite missiles and on and on. All the same, the same volume, the same hysteria. You just stop listening after a while. And, of course, that's when it gets dangerous - the bastards'll slip one by you when you're sufficiently comatose. Could the meeja just possibly give the West Enders slightly less weight than, say, Iranian nuclear missiles. Then we wouldn't really care about stupid, silly, childish little e-mails. And then they'd stop. Maybe?

Posted by Jess D at 12:46pm on April 15, 2009

"Granted, there's a difference between planting a story about an opponent you know to be true, and fabricating one altogether, but it's only a matter of degree," - - No, they are black and white. We NEED to know who we are voting for or against, unlike these festering putrescences who never put themselves up for election, like those whom they slander. They are hand picked by their masters, who then become their servants, mostly without ever realising it. Whatever crimes they commit must rest squarely on whoever appointed them.

Posted by WhoDatDere at 5:19pm on April 15, 2009

What Iranian nuclear missiles? Been listening to gossip Jess D? It's all of a kind, the obsessions of the naked ape, when the only thing every member of our species should be concerned about is the environmental holocaust we've started which will most likely make us extinct, after first wiping out countless other species.

Posted by Peter Simmons at 5:47pm on April 15, 2009

Will - like PeterS, I must query your odd grammar: "With a deeply rived country " presumably you meant "riven". The article's content was OK but you do seem to be growing more complacent, or despairing. Where's the fire you once had? Flay these meretricous medicocrities as they deserve and as you, once, seemed impelled to do. Unfortunately, citizens end up with the government they deserve, viz Wilson, Dim Jim, Thatcher, Minor, Blaahhh & now ... a time server whose time long ago passed when he ceded to the ultimate Excrement. Unfortunately, I also cop the same government. Hands up all those who'll vote for the Cameroons without holding their noses. The alternatives? BNP, UKIP, Plaid Cymru if they'll deign to stand beyond the Marches? The once proud Liberals? I wouldn't spit on them were they ablaze. In despair rather than anger, which passed long ago, circa 1996.

Posted by allan kessing at 11:35am on April 16, 2009

Elementary game theory shows it pays to cheat. If your opponents do not cheat you gain advantage; if they do cheat you have cheat to level the playing field. Whatever your opponents do you cheat. I can see only two solutions to the problem: A return to morality (but I ain't that naive) or massive punishments for those caught. The punishments should be dished out to those directly involved and also to their seniors. People might still push as close as possible to what is acceptable, but if the penalties are massive that should be OK. People do not walk close to cliff edges to test the stability when they know there is a 200 ft drop onto jagged rocks; they stand well back.

Posted by TomNightingale at 11:42am on April 16, 2009

Meanwhile, the economy tanks. Opposition MPs are arrested. Shami Chakrabati is investigated illegally. Parliament is by passed. Big Brother watches from inside No 12 Downing Street. And over all, the EU looms mercilessly. Hello Socialism!

Posted by prziloczek at 10:05am on April 18, 2009