Derision greets Martine McCutcheon novel

Former EastEnders actress and pop star Martine McCutcheon has turned her hand to literature. The first chapter of her debut novel The Mistress has been posted online by publishers MacMillan - and has been greeted with much mirth.

The story begins with heroine Mandy - who sounds remarkably like McCutcheon with her "ebony" hair, "flawless skin" and "big brown eyes" - preparing for a night out to celebrate her 30th birthday.

The opening stanzas offer a startling insight into Mandy's philosophy and spheres of reference. She uses a copy of Grazia to shelter from the rain and - while driving past the Natural History Museum, Harrods and the Lanesborough Hotel - ruminates on how "exhilarating" London life can be.

McCutcheon explains the attraction of the capital: "If you went for it, truly went for it, you could get the life you wanted here, and that was Mandy's aim - to have it all. And why not?

"She'd read a greeting on a card once in Paperchase on the King's Road that had truly stuck with her: Reach for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. She loved it and used it as a mental pick-me-up whenever she felt low."

The website Anorak describes McCutcheon's opus as "a work of parody that should make the nation's satirists hang their heads in envy and snap their pencils in two".

McCutcheon made her name as cockney sparrow Tiffany in the soap opera EastEnders in the 1990s before she embarked on a shortlived pop career. She then took the role of Eliza Doolittle in a stage production of My Fair Lady and won the award for best actress in a musical at the 2002 Laurence Olivier Awards. There would seem to be more than a hint of Doolittle and Tiffany in the prose style.

McCutcheon has also released a fitness DVD and made the jump to film, starring in Love Actually and opposite Patrick Swayze in the 2007 film Jump!

It remains to be seen how well her latest venture fares and if she can emulate another female author who has overcome critical opprobrium - Katie Price, aka glamour model Jordan, who has sold millions of copies of her three autobiographies, three ghostwritten novels and a number of children's books.